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“When I realized I was nothing,

I became something. The more I become

nothing, the more I am made into something”

 

Vanity, vanity, vanity. All my life I had everything I ever wanted. It all came relatively easy for me – school, athletics, popularity, girls, money – everything except a true sense of peace, fulfillment and purpose. “There is a way that seems right unto man yet it only ends in death.” Proverbs 14:12. It was as if I had everything and nothing at the same time. As these “things” entered my life, I abused them, took them for granted and eventually watched as they slipped from my grasp, one by one, leaving me standing alone. I chased the wind and could never grasp it.  I was a child of darkness and a pure heathen for so long. Many years of hedonism and a beguiled, dirty conscience was altered in split second. My life changed when I was struck down while playing golf at Hilton Head National Golf Club in South Carolina. Now Jesus is sending light from heaven to reconcile, redeem and restore those in darkness. I am humbled by His mercy. I learned religious vernacular at a private Christian school but was a trained Pharisee who led disciples who were two fold sons of hell. I was the chiefest of all sinners and a fool parading in his folly. In my folly, God allowed me to see, taste and experience many things in this world of vanity. I had the praise and affirmation of many yet a companion of fools will be destroyed. In my pride, I did many things for people only seeking praise from them for my benefit and popularity. Depraved and in darkness without realization.In the wake of my life, there were many people wounded, harmed and maligned due to my pride and selfishness. I beseech forgiveness to those whom I offended, misled and influenced on my twisted, corrupt and deceitful path the first 33 years of my life. Although I had many so called friends, I was never a true friend. Praise and puff you up in my presence, backbite and tear you down in your absence. A pure coward with no integrity. Their names are too many to mention, their borders too far to seek but God is faithful to reconcile all things by the power of Christ and His Cross. A real friend is someone who will lay down their life for another. A real friend tells the truth and walks it out. This was demonstrated perfectly by Jesus Christ. My friends of old were chosen often due to appearance, status and ability.  I was blind, self centered, wicked and unfulfilled carrying my emptiness with me the entire time. Esteeming and preferring myself over others. I never knew how truly ugly I was. There is a facade which you hide your brokeness yet it is clearly visible and naked before God. It is a foundation of deception where wounds of sin crush your spirit in regret, loneliness, anger, pity, fear, excuses and remorse. Several years ago mine crumbled fast as I fought to hold it together. As my life spiraled out of control my foundation crumbling fast-  a long term engagement wrought with strife & toil because of my pride, other relationships that I thought were secret although God was watching every intent of my heart, golf and gambling were controlling idols, hiding in a bottle of bourbon every night and buying my way out of 3 DUI’s, boasting of the money I made and spent, margin calls draining every dime I had ever made during the stock market crash crippling my portfolio to zero, the so called ‘friends’ I kept, the empty visitations at bar’s from Denver to Toronto, Acapulco, Cancun or the Bahamas, drinking and drugging my self to sleep, laughing outwardly while I wept inwardly. The saddest thing, people cheering, praising and glorying the court jester in all his folly. Constantly lying to make people love me not for who I was but who I wanted them to believe me to be. In the darkness of my life, lonely, empty, meaningless, painful and bitter of a wasted life with so much so called ‘potential’. A prodigal in the pig pen, an unworthy son and a wasted life. A fool.

 

But there is good news in the midst of the storm, alone on the mountain top, isolated in the pit and the deepest depths of darkness. There was no doubt I was defiant and offensive in the sight of God as I carried a sentence of God’s wrath upon my head. When I began to understand my sin in the face of God and His displeasure and hatred of it, it shook me to my soul for several months. It was a consuming thought I could not escape and I desperately needed help. The fear of death and wrath of God was an ever present state of mind for 2 years. There is Good News. The judgment and punishment I rightfully deserved was placed on Jesus Christ at the Cross. Grace came and I was humbled, crushed and overwhelmed. I was the worst of the worst yet where sin abounds grace abounds much more. Jesus Christ brought me life, light, peace and redemption. A new way and path for my life. God is no respecter of persons and you are precious in the sight of God. No matter who you are, you are immeasurably valuable in His sight. His blood was poured out for you. Through Christ I now have the peace of Almighty God abiding in me. There is a power and joy I cannot deny. Nothing this world has can add to it or take from it. The same mercy, grace and love offered to me is bestowed to you. Be reconciled by His grace and the blood of His Cross. He came after me, found me and delivered me. Jesus is seeking you. The time is fulfilled, repent and believe the Good News! As His blood poured out on the tree, Jesus cried, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” The only boast and glory in my life is the Cross of my Lord Jesus Christ through whom the world has been crucified to me and I to the world.  Call or email if you need prayer or counsel; most importantly call on the name of Jesus, He will help you. He is speaking to you, repent and turn to Him. We dare not mock His Cross, the pinnacle and center of history. It is HIS STORY. Who is Jesus to you and what does His cross mean to you? Turn from wrath to grace in Jesus name. Jesus is alive, heed His voice and follow Him. My soul is stable, my life secure, in His hands I rest.

Love,

Brian